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President Joe - Racism

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PRESIDENT JOE Racism Rodney Ohebsion INT. WHITE HOUSE PRESS ROOM - DAY President Joe is standing on stage with SENATOR COLLINS (45, black), while various…
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PRESIDENT JOE "Racism" Rodney Ohebsion INT. WHITE HOUSE PRESS ROOM - DAY President Joe is standing on stage with SENATOR COLLINS (45, black), while various MEDIA MEMBERS, CAMERAMAN, etc. watch. PRESIDENT JOE ...And so, that's why Senator Davis and I are confident the bill will pass. SENATOR COLLINS Um. I'm Senator Collins. PRESIDENT JOE Are you sure? SENATOR COLLINS I'm pretty sure. INT. NEWS ROOM - DAY NEWS ANCHOR And in other news, yesterday, the President referred to Senator Collins as Senator Davis. And, uh, it's an interesting mix up, being that Senator Collins and Senator Davis are the only two Senators in Congress who are, um, you know. African-American. The President was asked about the whole mix up later, and he said, "Dude. I'm not racist. I've seen the movie Madea's Family Reunion five times. Very few white people can make that claim." (CLIP) INT. PRESS ROOM - DAY SENATOR DAVIS I'm good friends with the President, and I can assure you that he's not racist. He just happens to think I look exactly like the only other black person in the Senate. A man who outweighs me by 80 pounds. That doesn't mean the President is racist. He's not. I talk to him all the time, and I can't recall him saying anything racist at all. I mean, just the other day, he called me up and asked me for my mother's chitlin recipe. ... Wait a Created using Celtx 2. second. That's a bad example. You know what? Maybe he is racist. I mean, who the hell calls up a black man and asks for his mother's chitlin recipes? INT. OVAL OFFICE - DAY OWEN So what are we gonna do about the whole racism thing? PRESIDENT JOE What can we do? Chinese people hate Puerto Ricans--plain and simple. We can't make Chinese people less racist. Unless we have Jennifer Lopez sing a duet with Jackie Chan. OWEN When I said "racism thing," I was talking about the fact that you mixed up two black Senators. PRESIDENT JOE Are you saying that we should we give black politicians name tags? HARRY Vannessa. Help me out here. VANESSA We need to make it seem like you have good relationships with African Americans. PRESIDENT JOE What do you mean "seem?" I do have good relationships with African Americans. Like my African American dentist. What's his name? Is it DeMarcus or DeAndre? VANESSA It's Stanley. PRESIDENT JOE You mean DeStanley? VANESSA No. Created using Celtx 3. PRESIDENT JOE The point is, my African American dentist tells me to brush twice a day-- and I do. SANDRA Mr. President. You can't point to a dentist to show how you're not racist. Why don't we point to your black ex- girlfriends instead? PRESIDENT JOE Well. My ex-girlfriends in general don't have good things to say about me. INT. NEWS ROOM - DAY NEWS ANCHOR The country is still debating whether the President is a racist who thinks all black people look alike. According to a recent poll, 53% of Americans think he's at least somewhat racist, and 47% of Americans want to try Senator Davis's mother's chitlin recipe. Marlon. Give us some more info on this. (NEWS PROGRAM) EXT. STREET - DAY MARLON Well. I'm standing in the middle of Washington, and it turns out that people have opinions about the President. So here's what some people had to say about him and the fact that he thinks black people look alike. (VIDEO CLIP) EXT. STREET - DAY BLACK MAN There are only two black Senators total, and the President can't keep track of which one is which. And I'll bet he thinks both of them eat watermelon three times a day. Look at me, Mr. President. I'm a black man. (starts eating honeydew melon) Am I eating watermelon? No. This is a honeydew melon, you racist asshole. Created using Celtx 4. You think it's wtermleon, because you're racist. It's honeydew. Cut to another interview. WHITE MAN The President is not racist. Nowadays, no matter what you do, people think you're racist. If you scratch your nose, people think you've got something against Mexicans. If you take off your socks, people think you've got something against Koreans. And if you mix up one black Senator with another black Senator, people think you've got something against black people. INT. BAR - DAY CORNELIUS is working behind the counter. President Joe is seated at the bar. CORNELIUS What can I get you, Mr. President? PRESIDENT JOE A black Russian. Which, by the way, is distinctly different from other black drinks--and I can tell the difference between them. INT. WHITE HOUSE PRESS ROOM - DAY Owen is addressing 20 REPORTERS. OWEN And so, we plan to finalize the trade agreement with Japan by January. REPORTER Great. Now talk about the President's racism. OWEN The President is not racist. I've seen him do and say many unracist things. Created using Celtx 5. REPORTER Lke what? OWEN Well. The President has an Africn Americn dentist. Also, one time he read a few pages of the Autobiography of Malcolm X. And that's saying a lot, consider how the President does not like to read. REPORTER Well. What about the time the President said he's an ardent admirer of Harriet Tubman? OWEN What about that? REPORTER Someone asked which historical figure he'd most like to have a conversation with, and he said Harriet Tubman. He said he'd really enjoy sitting back with her and sharing a pitcher of Kool- Aid. Isn't it racist for the President to want to drink Kool-Aid with Harriet Tubman? OWEN Kool-Aid is a popular beverage enjoyed by people of all races. The President would like to share a pitcher of Kool- Aid with all sorts of historical figures. Abraham Lincoln, Cesar Chavez, Bruce Lee, Sacagawea. President Joe enters and walks up to the stage. PRESIDENT JOE (to Owen) I'll handle this, Owen. (to Press) Let me start off by saying that the economy is really good, and I intend to make it better. That's the first thing I have to say. The second thing is, I have a black dentist, and I've never mistaken him for Samuel L. Jackson. And third, the economy is very robust. And fourth, I am realy Created using Celtx 6. good at telling the difference beteen one African and another African American. I mean, you know. Any time I look at, like, a basketball team or a police lineup, I can quickly tell all the black people apart from each other. OWEN Um. I think what the President meant to say is that, um, any time he's at a University, he can quickly tell the black professors apart from each other. PRESIDENT JOE Right. Plus, I brush twice a day--just like my African American dentist tells me to. And if he were to tell me to brush three times a day, I would do that. But if a white dentist were to tell me that, I'd be all like, "What you talking about, Willis?" So, yeah. In summary, I can tell the difference between Morgan Freeman and Steve Urkel at an El Pollo Loco; but I can't tell the difference betwween Bradley Cooper and Eminem, because I'm so un-racist, that most white people look the same to me, and whenever I watch The Hangover, I keep wondering why Eminem is in the movie; and, you now, I want to send most white people back to Ireland. INT. OVAL OFFICE - DAY VANESSA Mr. President. You can't send white people back to Ireland. PRESIDENT JOE Well, whatever. Listen. I hired a PR guy to handle this whole thing and let everyone know how much I love Africa Americans. SNACKIE walks in. PRESIDENT JOE And there he is. Created using Celtx 7. OWEN That's not a PR guy, Mr. President. That's your cousin Snackie. PRESIDENT JOE Snackie knows a lot about PR. Right, Snackie? SNACKIE Absolutely. Now, I got a heck of a plan. I know a guy who makes fake genealogy reports. INT. WHITE HOUSE PRESS ROOM - DAY MEDIA Mr. President. Do you think China's decision to sell US Treasury bills was prompted by the lackluster numbers in our quarter four jobs report? PRESIDENT JOE Well. There are four quarters in a dollar, and nine innings in a baseball game. And, you knkwo--we anticipated the economic numbers, due to recent sanctions lifted on the trade route embargo, and the trade agreements involving 1.21 jigawatts of economics. MEDIA So was that a yes or a no? PRESIDENT JOE Well. If you were President, would you answer that question you asked with a yes or a no? MEDIA Um. I'd answer with with a no. PRESIDENT JOE Me, too. But let's take a few minutes right now to talk about something other than the economy. I mean, like, um, do you know who your great, great, great, grandma was? MEDIA Um. No. Created using Celtx 8. PRESIDENT JOE Well. Mine was none other than Harriet Tubman. I have the documents right here showing how she's my direct descendant. I also have my long form birth certificate, which says that I was born in Kenya, and furthermore, I'm third cousins with Will Smith. MEDIA Will Smith has stated many times that he wants you to be impeached. PRESIDENT JOE There are a lot of people named Will Smith. I'm friend with the Will Smith who works at Foot Locker, and not the Will Smith who was in Captain America. MEDIA Will Smith wasn't in Captain America. You must've mixed him up with Samuel L. Jackson, since you can't tell the difference between black people. PRESIDENT JOE The point is, I was born in Kenya, asshole! MEDIA If you were born in Kenya, that means you're not legally our President. PRESIDENT JOE I was born in Kenya on my long form birth certificate. I was born in Colorado on my short form birth certificate. So that shows how I'm American in the sense that I'm legally President of America, and I'm Kenyan in the sense that you can't accuse me of being racist. INT. OVAL OFFICE - DAY OWEN Okay, Mr. President. Since you need practice identifying black, we brought some in for you to identify. Now, which person is Shaq, and which person is Kobe? Created using Celtx 9. PRESIDENT JOE Well. Let's see. I know that Shaq is black, and I know that Kobe is black. So that means that Kobe is, uh... SHAQ This is ridiculous. You dragged us over here for for this bullcrap? I thought you said you were gonna make me Sheriff of Washington. OWEN I'm a politician. I lied. (To President Joe) Now Mr. President. Which basketball player is Shaquille O'Neal, and which one is Kobe Bryant? PRESIDENT JOE This is a tough one. Can you make it multiple choice? OWEN I did make it multiple choice. Which guy si Kobe, and which guy is Shaq. PRESIDENT JOE I'm pretty sure both of these guys are Michael Jordan. KOBE I'm pretty sure I'm gonna kick your ass. OWEN Mr. President. Just focus on Kobe and Shaq'a facial features, and focus less on their blackness. Which one is Kobe, and which one is Shaq? PRESIDENT JOE Right. Yeah. Don't focus on their blackness. Um. Wait. Where did they go? HARRY They're right in front of you. PRESIDENT JOE The thing is, if I don't focus on their blackness, I can't see them. And Created using Celtx 10. if I do focus on their blackness, I can't see the difference between them. KOBE So it's like, you can't see black people unless you see just the blackness. Your retinas either can see the blackness, or they disregard it and see nothing. They can't look between those two things. It's just a gap. SHAQ Yeah. I think you're on to something, Kobe. His retinas aren seeing a gap between those two things. (to President Joe) Wait a second. You've dated black women before. PRESIDENT JOE Yeah. So? SHAQ So you can tell the difference between black women. PRESIDENT JOE Right. SHAQ So if you can tell the difference between black women, that means your retinas see them beyond their blackness. The gap is filled by something. KOBE That's a good point, Shaq. How come his retinas fill in the gap with black women, but not black men? What does he see in black women, that he doesn't see in black men? PRESIDENT JOE Well. Let's see. I want to sleep with black women. So I see that. SHAQ But you don't want to sleep with black men? Created using Celtx 11. PRESIDENT JOE No. SHAQ Why? Is it because they're black, you racist asshole? PRESIDENT JOE No. It's because they're men. KOBE Right. yeah. So there's your answer. If you want to tell the difference between black men, all you have to do is be a homo. PRESIDENT JOE But I'm straight. SHAQ Right. Yeah. Wait a second, Kobe. Are you thinking what I'm thinking? KOBE Yes, Shaq. We should make the President shop at Bed Bath & Beyond. That way, he'll be more in touch with his homo side, and he'll be able to tell the difference between black men. PRESIDENT JOE (to Shaq) Is that what you were thinking? SHAQ No. I was thinking that we should eat lunch at Chipotle. PRESIDENT JOE Good idea, Mike. Let's go to Chipotle. SHAQ I'm not Michael Jordan! We need to get your ass to Bed Bath & Beyond. PRESIDENT JOE Fine. We'll go there after Chipotle. SHAQ Me and Kobe will go to Chipotle. You go to Bed Bath & Beyond, and then Created using Celtx 12. we'll bring you your lunch. KOBE And we'll bring you the gayest item on the menu. SHAQ Kobe. That's kind of homophobic. KOBE It's not homophobic, Shaq. We need to gay everything up for the President, so he'll be able to tell the difference between black men. SHAQ Oh. Right. Yeah. INT. GAME SHOW SET - DAY HOST Welcome to Which African-American Guy Is This? The only game show where the President of the United States tries to tell the difference between one black guy and another black guy. (to President Joe) Great to have you on the show, Mr. President. PRESIDENT JOE Yeah. Well. I've spent the last 12 hours at Bed Bath & Beyond. So, you know. Bring on the black guys. HOST Hm. Well. I'm not sure what you mean by that. But we will in fact bring on the black guys. PRESIDENT JOE Alright. Yeah. That's Samuel L. Jackson. SAMUEL L. JACKSON You're damn motherfucking right, Mr. President. PRESIDENT JOE And that's Will Smith. Created using Celtx 13. WILL SMITH Big Willie style! Getting jiggy with it! PRESIDENT JOE And that's Shaq. SHAQ Indeed it is. PRESIDENT JOE And that's Michael Jordan. KOBE I'm Kobe Bryant! PRESIDENT JOE Well. I got three out of four. That's pretty good. KOBE Go back to Bed Bath & Beyond! Created using Celtx
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